when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
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If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Meeeee too!
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.