He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
You Might Also Like
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.