birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
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[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Me trying to “trust the process”
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.