[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
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Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
lmao
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
birds and squirrels envy us
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird