I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
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Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.