If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
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Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.