DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
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“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.