ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
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Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.