It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
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My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.