Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
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Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
It be like that sometimes 😆
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
who wore it better?
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.