*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
You Might Also Like
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine