Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
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Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
whenever i wake up before my alarm
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it