Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
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the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Not messing around
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”