The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
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I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.