My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
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Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it