If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
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If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
And they lived apathetically ever after.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month