Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
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Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly