Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
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A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
This is amazing.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the đź•ł symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here