waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
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Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.