ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
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Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that