Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
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I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.