When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
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caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here