If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
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Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?