It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
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this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better