If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
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Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there