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Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors