If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
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i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.