Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]