11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
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Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
…..pretty much.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.