Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
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My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I hope Alan is OK
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!