I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
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Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Catercrombie & Fish
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?