cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
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Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
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Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.