imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
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Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming