toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
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Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I needed a laugh this morning.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I didn’t come here to be called names
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”