shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
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I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Is fructose made with real fruct?
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.