bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
You Might Also Like
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.