When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
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Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
The asteroid..
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
How dude HOW?!
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.