I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
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Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Pretty much! 😂👀
Word!
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Bit chilly again tonight.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom