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9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
A ghost story
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial