Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
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I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I was bored.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.