I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
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Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
The old gods are rising again.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.