A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
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At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.