Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
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A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
If I ignore life will it go away?
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
#JohnTravolta
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.