Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
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I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
The cake is mightier than the sword.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I want this so bad
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.