her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
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My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.