Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
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Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
this has done me in for some reason
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.