I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
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Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.