People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
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Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space