I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
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“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.