Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
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My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid